Unconscious Core Beliefs

Children from 0 to 7 are like little sponges; they absorb all the information around them and take it all on board… whether it is good or bad.
For example, a person might say to a child, “You’re a piece of rubbish; you will never amount to anything.” That child will then gain the perception that others can treat them like dirt and that they will never amount to much…. This often leads to the child becoming a victim of abuse, of being bullied and not having any resources to fight back. Being in victim mode can make it seem insurmountable to get out of a situation, and they may also lack the resources to have the wherewithal to fight
back to take a stand.

Later, as adults, they may rebel against this concept and choose to retaliate and change their lives by doing the opposite, to prove that they are worthy, to make a success of their lives, and to become amazingly successful. It is possible… but rare.

People often think that a victim of domestic violence should just leave, but it is not as easy as that. There are so many other factors to consider, the biggest one being: Where to? The other is cost/money. In addition, many have children to consider: what will be best for the child? So change is never easy, but not impossible. In addition, psychological factors play a huge role,… what if it’s unsafe
to leave? Fear of repercussions, fear of being hunted down and hurt… fear of the unknown, the lack of safety and security. These questions will face both men and
women of domestic violence. Sadly, it is true that not all domestic violence victims are women; there are more and more men also being subject to abuse and victimisation.

Once again, children are often used as pawns in the game for the oppressor to gain their own way. This can then lead to months or years of hearings, court sessions and support from social workers, mental health workers and other care workers. Another client of mine has mental health issues due to the stress of all the false accusations he has had placed at his door. All he wants to do is have time with his kids and be the loving father in their lives. Yet he has been denied access to them for the last two years. This story is, unfortunately, prevalent. The system
is overstretched and often populated with workers not concerned for their clients’ welfare and best interests. The court gets weary of cases that are mismanaged and
misrepresented.

Timing may play a huge part in the departure, and sometimes it escalates when violence occurs… one of my clients was in an abusive relationship and was strangled and left for dead while her partner took off of the children. He was chased and crashed the car and ran, leaving the children in the car. Now, my client lives in a safe place with her children under a new identity. It had been hard to leave, as he was extremely controlling and manipulative, plus she was confused as she felt strong feelings for her partner because he was the father to her children. Fortunately, she and her children are doing well now and are moving on with their lives. It all takes time to heal and regroup.

Personally I have found that the gifts of being heard, and being encouraged to step up have played a huge part in my becoming a Trauma Counsellor. It has enabled me to empathise with my clients, and knowing what gaslighting, being lied to and victimised is all about has given me a greater understanding of where my clients are coming from.

A couple of my clients have been so traumatised by the events that their whole sensory system has become numb. They have felt unable to cry and have felt
disconnected from reality. Feeling numb has left them not being able to feel emotions or to connect closely with family and friends. It is so rewarding to take these clients through Richards Trauma Process and help them to begin to thaw, to begin to connect with their inner feelings, and to be able to cry again.

It reminds me of the caterpillar, going through the transformational change to being free to fly!